Lately I’ve been thinking about the working world… or lack thereof. I’m always hopeful of finding a job, and somehow seem to end up without one. It sucks. I have ambitions for a career, and yet find myself searching for something that can pay the bills rather than pursuing what I want to do most. That was not a disclaimer, that was just me complaining.
I was recently approached by Tom, an amazing writer and all around awesome person, who asked me if I’d like to be part of his series Timeout at the Plate. I was incredibly honored when he asked me and jumped at the opportunity. After that, I started thinking about my own life. Tom joined the MLBlogs Network at around the same time I did, and yet, with it, he’s doing something completely-out-of-this-world-amazing and writing about what he believes in; he’s about to risk everything for something he loves. Then I take a look at what I’m doing and think, “yeah, I was definitely NOT destined to be a writer.”
I stopped by the Rockpile Rant and read his latest blog. It made me think of The Office. Why? First of all, I love that show. It’s hilarious. If you haven’t watched it, you should. Second, there’s a part where they get a new HR person, and Michael (the boss) has decided he hates her. His tied-for-number-three guy Dwight has decided he also hates her. Here is a conversation that ensues between the two.
Michael: [watching from office] Toby’s replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she’ll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she… stinks… with her… ways… and her… head.
Michael: You know, Dwight, sometimes… I don’t know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought, have an original thought. Although… I will agree that her head is weird.
Okay, so this made me think of me because of Michael saying, “Have an original thought.” Irealized that most of the time, I’m not sure I ever actually have anything original to say. It also reminds me of The Joker from The Dark Knight, which I may have already quoted at some point, saying, “I’m like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one! You know? I just… do things.” That’s kind of my feeling right now.
In a world where time is everything and every hour, every minute, every second of the day counts, our lives are moving at the speed of light, and I am just… existing. And no, this isn’t a pity party, it’s a thought about how the world around me, everyone and everything, seems to be moving so fast, and while I’m trying to keep up, I can’t; I’m just here. While people are being successful and making a name for themselves and doing something so great, I’m out there just believing and hoping to get by. And while I do have goals for myself, since I have absolutely no idea how to go about achieving them, I’m… well… stuck. I have fears of being stuck in a dead end job. I like to be challenged; the problem with that is that now that I know exactly what it is I want to do with my life, everything else seems odious. And odious might be a strong word for it, too strong, but my feelings toward this are also strong.
I thought in college that I had discovered who I was. And while I don’t think I’m going to turn into a whole different person, I’m starting to wonder if I should. I am as idiosyncratic as the rockies themselves (the mountains, not the team). And while it’s our differences and our individualistic personas that make us… well… individuals, is it possible to be too atypical? Again, thinking of The Joker, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you… stranger.” Of course, who wants to be like The Joker? The dude is creepy… and strange… obviously. I think I’m expressing this to the blogging community because after moving to Denver, I don’t actually know anybody. I have the pleasure of moving back in with one of my parents and and living in a city. Greeley is not a city. In fact, it’s full of cows and smells like cow crap 100% of the time. You know, that like… light scent that’s always there, but then some days it’s like, you can’t walk outside without choking on the air. But now, a city, where you can’t see the stars at night and are forced to live in a fast paced, almost-get-run-over-by-a-car-everyday society, who has time to make friends? People are busy pursuing their lives and trying to get by without well… getting run over by a car. I think I need an outlet for my anxiety, like a job. Hmm… imagine that. College was so much easier to make friends, you kind of had to, like, sitting in class. You had to meet people so the days when you didn’t want to get out of bed, you had somebody to get notes from. When you’re in a college town, you can just talk to random young people and they’re not going to think anything of it. Well, unless you’re a creeper, then they might. But here, it’s kind of like you’re always a creeper, even though you’re totally not creepy. People here seem to be suspicious-like, and I don’t think it’s just Denver, it’s cities everywhere. I guess it’d be hard for me even if cities weren’t shy and suspicious-like. Maybe I need to be less shy, less afraid to experience whatever it is the world is going to try and offer. Mostly I can’t help it. I’m very quiet unless I find something common to talk about. The usual one is baseball. Oh man, that’s an easy subject to talk about. I mean, it’s not like I have specific interests; music, guitar, Dane Cook and Mitch Hedberg quotes, video games, books… but I guess mostly baseball books… hmm… maybe I need to expand my interests. I can talk about hockey, and I’m trying to understand football and basketball better. I don’t know. Does it sound like I’m complaining? Because I don’t mean to be if it does. I’m just trying to figure somethings out and what I’m meant to do with… well… life.
And if you’re going to take something from this weird rant, don’t let it be that picture of the cows butt, or that you think I watch too much TV or movies, but think about if you had the world at your finger tips, and you could do anything you wanted, how would you realistically go about getting it?